4XLT

Today’s Weigh-In: 334.0 pounds
Total Weight Lost: 106.0 pounds
Days Till Next Mini-Goal: 24
Next Mini-Goal Weight: 330
Pounds To Go: 4.0

I’ve been doing some prep work on launching version three of 4XLT for the past few days. In particular, last night I wrote out some of my story and how I got to being 440 pounds last year. While writing, I also looked for some photos of me at my biggest.

I found one… and was repulsed.

A couple times the past few days, I’ve run across a very obese person at the coffee shop or at a store. I tried not to stare, but at the same time, I couldn’t help but wonder sadly if that’s exactly how people saw me at my largest. As a fellow fat person, I of all people should have some compassion with these individuals, but even I had trouble looking at them with little more than well hidden… revulsion.

Was that how people saw me? “Oh God, look at that guy.” “How’d he get so big?” “Ungh.” Goodness, it’s so embarrassing to look at that photo. I was disgustingly huge.

And now, even a hundred pounds down, I’m still huge. I’m not complaining and degrading or anything about my weight loss so far – I’m thrilled to have gotten so far already. It’s just that there’s still a long, long road I’ve got to walk down. But, I’ll walk down the steps one at a time.

I’m just tired of that life and everything being obese represented: no hope, not caring, resignation, melancholy. I refuse to go back or stay here in the 330s.

I feel awfully gross and pathetic about my recent past today, I got to admit. Oh well, here’s to the next couple of steps to get to where I want to be.