4XLT

Today’s Weigh-In: 312-314 pounds (wonky scale)

I’ve rewritten this opening sentence half a dozen times. Each time, I try to show that I’ve been working hard (spinning my wheels, fighting an uphill battle, and all the other metaphors), but it’s just not true. There hasn’t been much fight at all since November 2008. No struggle. No effort at having a meal plan. No sweat from being in the gym multiple times a week. No cycle of hard work. I have made no progress for four months. You can read through my recent posts and see the truth of that

That isn’t to say that the past couple of months have been a complete wash. I’ve been able to successfully maintain in the 315-310 range pretty easily without focused nutritional work, cardio, or weight training. That counts for something, sure, but not much in my book.

The fact is that I wanted to be under the 300 mark by now. A long time by now, in fact, and close to the 275 mark for my birthday in two weeks. But, now I’ve got myself backed into a corner, fighting to hit the 299 mark by my birthday.

So, Why?

I’m really coming up scratching my head on exactly why I’ve been so lackluster as of late. I’m not sure I’ve got a really great answer for you.

Comfort. Complacency. Just plain laziness. That would be where I’d first look to lay the blame. Not to go all psycho-analytical on anyone (or rather, myself), but I wonder if part of my big weight loss and lifestyle change push a year+ ago was due to the crazy stress and feelings of a lack of control I had to do work back then (I was involved in nonprofit, donor-funded vocational ministry for three years and switched careers this fall when it simply became financially unfeasible). I was making a solid middle class income, nothing great, but way more than I’d ever earned before in my life. I got comfortable.

Could it be that I’m wanting to get my focus back now only because getting laid off in the near future has me scrambling for something, anything, that I feel I can take control of? I hope not.

I also can confidently state that my lack of progress this year comes from a feeling of entitlement. “Hey, I’ve lost a hundred a twenty plus pounds. I’m wearing XXLs and 42 pants; I deserve Carl’s Jr or these Safeway cookies!” (I do love the big, fluffy Safeway M&M cookies. Gotta be honest.)

But why should there be any feelings of entitlement? I WEAR EXTRA, EXTRA LARGE SHIRTS AND WEIGH OVER THREE HUNDRED POUNDS. There’s nothing to be entitled about! Last night, I had that reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I was sitting at Red Robin (munching on fries along with my burger, of course) with some people from church. I’ll spare you the actual anecdote because I’m not keep on making myself look needy or insecure any more than I already have on this blog over the last year!

Time to get up and get with it. Please feel free to call me out on my crap if Wednesday rolls around and I haven’t posted here with a detailed report of my time at the gym. Seriously. Call me names. Mock me. Positive, loving encouragement is great, but most of the time a swift kick in the butt works best for me. And this definitely falls into most times.

Keeping this one short and to the point (mostly).

I found out at work this week that layoffs are coming soon, in addition to an across the board pay cut starting in two weeks. There’s no word on exactly when these layoffs are coming, but I wouldn’t be suprised if they hit the same time as the pay cuts.

I’d really like to piss and moan (and believe me I will), but right now I got to get my game together and start planning for the job hunt.

I’d like to stay in Portland, and if not Portland than the Pacific Northwest somewhere. However, with the economy as it is, I’m willing to go anywhere for a job, even if that means back home. Actually, there’s a small design firm in south Tulsa that needs a web guy that I’ll be calling at 6:15am sharp Monday morning.

Crazy times, and so it’s going to be easy for me to drop off the wagon. I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to make weight loss a huge focus at the moment, but I’m certain I can keep maintaining in the 310-315 range like I have been the past four months without a problem.

So… anyone hiring or need a great web and graphic designer?

On a separate note, the blog has been getting bombarded with a ton of crappy spam comments the past two weeks. Blarg.