4XLT

Today’s Weigh-In: 305.8 pounds
Change: -1.6 pounds
Next Goal: 299.8 pounds
Pounds to Go: 6.0 pounds

This ended up being a dauntingly long piece, written as I am working through some big issues in life, so here’s the summary: Up until about a year ago, I assumed I’d be spending my life in vocational Christian ministry. But now that I’m not, I don’t have much desire to return at this moment. There are a lot of reasons why, but two that I’ve processed through enough to talk about here are my frustrations in the financial / admin model of fundraising (or in church-speak “living by faith,”) as well as my own hangups and reservations about that model, and the fact that so many churches and ministers are just, to put it plainly, really messed up. But there are churches and people doing it right, and I wholeheartedly respect them.

I was wrestling with all this heavy worldview stuff a ton at the end of my time in nonprofit work. Once I got a new marketplace full-time job, I put a lot of my life on the back burner and went into autopilot. The worldview/spiritual aspect wasn’t alone – my drive to lose weight and change/reinvent my life went with it. But now, it’s time to get off my laurels, across the board.

How’d I get here from there?

I’ll make no bones about it, the last several months since I transitioned out of the world of vocational Christian ministry and nonprofit work have been a really, really interesting time for me. You could have asked me a few years back what my life plan was, and I wouldn’t have hesitated a minute in replying that I’d be doing the ministry thing for the rest of my life (loaded with a fair share of my pride, ego, and insecurities heavily involved).

But now, here I am not having any desire to go back into vocational (or even volunteer) ministry or non-profit work for the far-foreseeable future. I was never able to shake the awful feeling that I was “selling Jesus” to people in my fundraising. So, without going on a very, very long tangent there, I am about 98% against ever going back into a life of “living by faith,” because I think it’s a bunch of bunk.

So that would leave me in a place of looking at a pastoral staff position with a local church or ministry somewhere. I wouldn’t by necessity rule that out, but it’s just practically not going to happen. Maybe it’s just a corollary of having seen a lot of the behind the scenes rot and unhealth in so many churches, but I have no interest at all in being on staff at most churches.

I was going to write that you shouldn’t take that as a value statement, but honestly, I don’t see how you can take that in any way as not one. So sure, take it as my dissing on most churches, I guess. But heck – I’m no longer a minister, and I don’t feel to awkward pressure to watch what I say as a fundraising missionary type who lives and dies on his donor base and ministry event invitations, so I have to admit that I feel wonderfully free to publicly admit to my opinions (and drink beer in public, too, I guess, as I came from a no-booze denomination).

And the sad thing is that there are a handful of really great churches out there that are fighting to keep going. I was incredibly lucky to stumble into one when I was in Tulsa for the better part of two years after graduating college – especially after going through a horrifyingly bad manipulative pastor situation throughout college.

And past that, you’ve got plenty of awesome guys and girls who are trying to do the right thing in pastoral staff positions at churches just getting the life sucked out of them. Sure, sometimes the churches in question are festering hellholes of pharisaical religion, two-faced lives, overt control and manipulation, etc. But other times, it’s just a matter of the church functioning more and more like a business enterprise with a senior pastor operating as a CEO and his staff as mid-level managers, or, even worse (in my opinion) district managers of separate church campuses (don’t even get me started on TV screen preachers and the satellite model. Trust me.). You got to produce or you’re gone.

So, having seen all of this, it makes me really, really respect the pastors I know who are doing it right – especially the youth pastor guys. Yeah, there are some folks who are scumbags, sure. Fit in the system, swear your allegiance to me, and if you don’t I’ll throw you to the side and replace you with the next impressionable kid looking for a spiritual father figure – and the whole while I’ll smile and tell the world about Jesus and our awesome youth ministry / church / event. I’ve met my fair share of those – some up close and personal. They should be tarred and feathered.

But then there are those who are doing it right: Loving people. Investing themselves totally. Working long hours for little pay (or pretty decent pay if you luck out on staff at a large church). Encouraging kids. Not giving in to the temptation to control and manipulate the people around them. Letting walls down and being honest about their life, frustrations, and hopes. Making time for people instead of making time for only their program. I absolutely respect these people – people like Jeff Taylor at Agora Church in Tulsa and my former Chi Alpha bosses, Vic and Kathy Varis.

This relates to health & weight loss, I promise!

So, a lot of rambling about my past and none of it even remotely touched on the whole health and weight loss thing this blog is about, right? Kinda. I think my general health-related point is one of finally understanding why I’ve been basically treading water the last six-seven months on the health front. I was in my 330s last fall when I started this job, and here I am today at 305 – and I won’t even rehash how long I spent wallowing around in my 320s.

I don’t think it’s any accident that the sudden slowdown in losing weight corresponded with my career change. And part of me is sadly suspicious that an underlying, subconscious reason for my initial weight loss / lifestyle change push in the fall/winter of 2007 was an attempt to assert some modicum of control over a life that I felt I had no control of. Could that be the reason I’ve gotten back on board in recent weeks after getting the lay off scare a month ago (keep your fingers crossed)?

What I am beginning to realize is that I was stressed out beyond belief before this job. Every day I worried about a whole lotta stuff. Just on the work / life purpose (because the two were completely intertwined then): What am I doing? How am I going to pay my bills? How is the ministry coming along? How are these songs I’m writing? How are things on the donor front? How am I doing networking with pastors? I need a band. I need more donors and ministry partners. Crap, I can’t pay my rent. Wow, I’m in debt. I’m not driving anywhere this week. I have to pay a “half-tithe” to the Oregon Ministry Network. I’m more in debt. I need to book some church services. What about summer? What about summer camps? Youth group retreats.I should pray more. I need a part time job. I have to be at a church/work-related function four or five nights a week. I have to go to church practice. I have my practice. I hate recording music; I suck at it. I’m no good at this. What am I really doing here? I need to organize small groups? I should be building relationships with people on campus. I’m too shy to talk to strangers. I should be bold. I should be “witnessing” more. I should street preach out in the open to passer-bys. I don’t like street preachers. I wish I could pay my bills. What are these people thinking about my music / teaching / self? Where is God in all of this? Why was that pastor such an ass? I just worked an entire weekend doing worship music/art and taught a workshop and all I got was fifty bucks? That doesn’t even pay for my travel costs…

Once I finally said I had enough (combined with some significant financial setbacks) and got a new job outside of the ministry / nonprofit realm, it was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. And along with that weight of stress being lifted off of me, all my drive for weight loss and lifestyle reinvention went with it. I stopped going to church or being involved in any sort of spiritual formation altogether. I quit going to the gym. I quit scrutinizing what I eat – just basically roughing it with what I know I could do to maintain. I stopped hanging out with a lot of folks. Just retreated into my private world outside of work.

It’s been only very recently that I started to get back in gear on things.

I’ve been living the past seven months almost completely in a reactive / passive state of mind. I take things as they come. I take it easy – too easy. There’s been no fire, no motivation, no unction to do more than just make do. It’s time for that to end. On Friday, I’m going to lay out some of my goals for this next stage in life: health & weight loss, finances & career, and my personal life.

Until Friday, my goal is to go to the gym once for weight training, and hit Friday at 303.8 or less. Next week, it’s time for a buffalo charge to 299.