4XLT

Today’s Weigh-In: 308.8 / 304.2 pounds
Yesterday’s Weigh-In: 304.4 *

When I was 400+ pounds, I was forced to man up, deal with the shame, and go to the hospital to weigh myself on the big industrial linens scale, because there simply aren’t personal weight scales made for super-obese folks that weighed as much as I did. I was actually pretty lucky to find one that went up to 400 pounds, even. Ever since I got thin enough to actually use a bathroom scale like a normal human being, it’s been a delicate ballet dance in the mornings to see how low I can get the numbers to display.

You know exactly what I mean, don’t you?

My morning ritual typically goes something like this:

1. Stumble out of my bed groggily and shamble my way onto the scale. Rub eyes and look down in half-awake horror, then realize that the first weigh-ins are always a good 2-4 pounds high than what I settle down to.
2. Shamble and stumble my way back to the bathroom. Rub eyes some more. Do morning bathroom stuff.
3. Recheck weight. Still high.
4. Go sit on my couch for about 5-10 minutes. Check email, news, weather, Facebook.
5. Return to the scale. A-ha! Now, we’re starting to get there…
6. Begin reweighing myself a half dozen times, carefully shifting my body weight/balance around.
   • Weight forward on the balls of my feet: no good – always a higher number
   • Weight back on my heels: much better – lower numbers
   • Feet in the middle of the scale: bad, higher numbers
   • Feet barely on the edges of the scale: better, lower numbers
   • Hands & arms stretched out against the walls “supporting” me to stabilize my weight: fantastic! – my real pièce de résistance
7. Satisfied with my weigh-in, I grab some breakfast, hop in the shower, and speed off to work.

Trouble is, I’m not sure what I really think of my “advanced weigh-in-terogation techniques.” They started out as a perfectly valid way to stabilize my weigh-ins. Some mornings, the number would bounce around so much that the scale would eventually read out just an error. But in time, they’ve become something that I know I can do to tweak my weigh-ins down a decent amount.

They just reek of cheating, if I’m gut-level honest with myself (and you guys, dear and wonderful readers). So, they need to stop. After about eight or nine hops on and off the scale this morning trying to get below the 304.4 mark from yesterday with greater and greater tricks getting used from Step 6 – and eventually hitting 304.2 – I just had to stop. This was ludicrous.

I get on one last time, prepared to take it like a man. No balancing arms, no feet barely on the scale, I stand up straight and towards my heels, but don’t work to get as far back without falling over. The number floats around 309, and then drops to 308.8.

If 308.8 is what it is, then that’s what it is. I’m determined to get going again, and if I’m going to do it right, then I’ve got to do it honestly.

So, if I play my cards right, I’m hoping that when I write next on Friday, I’ll be able to give another honest weight in of 306.8 or less.